Текст песни: Chas & Dave. The Sideboard Song.

Mother phoned up last night she was going spare
She was in a temper pulling out her hair
"Your sisters courtin' a scruffy looking Ted
Father dont give a monkeys & this is what he said"

(Chorus)
I dont care I dont care I dont care if he comes round here
I got my beer in the sideboard here let mother sort it out
if he comes round here

I said to me mother let me have a talk to dad
so he comes to the telephone he wasnt half mad
says "shes got no sense the silly little cow
and if he comes round here theres gonna be a row"

Repeat chorus

"I'll tell you something else an' all he's never got a job
he hangs around the betting shop the lazy little yob"
mother says "calm down dad hes alright
there out there snogging in the passage all night"

Repeat chorus

Biggy was a tramp with stubble on his chin
he looks like something that the cats brought in
never got no money smokes all my fags
got holes in his soles and his hanging in rags

On top of that he says I tell you why I got the hump
she had a skinny little belly now its sticking out the front
theres nothing seems to fit her shes a running out of clothes
if he thinks he's takin liberties I'll punch him on the nose

Chorus