Текст песни: Stephen Lynch. If I Were Gay.

Here we are dear old friend
You and I drunk again
Laughs have been had and tears have been shed
Maybe the whiskey's gone to my head
But if I were gay
I would give you my heart
And if I were gay
You'd be my work of art
And if I were gay
We would swim in romance
But I'm not gay
So get your hand out of my pants
It's not that I don't care
I do
I just don't see myself in you
Another time another time
Another scene

I'd be right behind you if you know what I mean
'cause if I were gay
I would give you my soul
And if I were gay I would give you my whole being
And if I were gay
We would tear down the walls
But I'm not gay
So won't you stop cupping my...hand
We've never hugged
We've never kissed
I've never been intimate with your fist
You have opened brand new doors
Get over here and drop your drawers